So you guys know I’ve been spending an insane amount of time at work of late… This means every now and again I need to do some venting as it’s good for my soul.
Something that’s been “amusing” me more than usual (I guess because I’m easily irritated at the moment) is the corporate obsession with giving everything a RAG status. What is a RAG status you ask? Well basically they put every single piece of work into one of 3 categories: Red, Amber or Green.
- Let’s start with Green, cause it’s the easiest one… Green means everything is awesome. Basically you’re like a rock star for not having any issues or risks that might impact what you’re doing in any negative way. People high five you as you walk past and you get invited to drinks with the boss. This is the best place to be. Period.
- Amber means some shit has hit the fan and you’re now at risk of not completing when you said you would. You might need extra people to help etc. People now start passing you in the passage without making any direct eye contact.
- Red means some very very serious shit has gone freakin wild and more money & manpower will definitely have to be thrown at the problem to make it go away. You will also almost certainly finish late. At this point people totally stop talking to you in the kitchen area.
Now I’ve heard senior managers say that it’s totally OK to go Red every now and again. Shit happens. And I 100% agree with that. But what I have come to realise this is a blatant senior management LIE. They never think it’s OK for you to go Red… ever… even if it was because the building caught on fire and you lost all your troops.
So because of this I decided to spend some time thinking about what tricks one could use to try soften the blow of being Red. Just in case there are others out there battling with this same predicament. Here goes:
- In your status report, end of with a smiley face. Everyone knows a smiley face lightens the mood immediately. Like always.
- Try a dark pink instead. Who could possibly be angry at dark pink? Come now.
- Try a riddle. Something like: What would you get it you made Amber blush?
- If all else fails, make sure you find someone who’s also Red, but in a slightly worse off position than you are. That way you will seem less Red in comparison. Also make a point of highlighting this exact point at any and every opportunity.
Easy as pie, right?
Now tell me, anybody else want to use this opportunity to vent as well? What work stuff do you have to deal with that drives you up the wall?
So, working in the corporate world does have it’s “quirks”. One being all the rules, rules and more rules and then the tons of committees and admin that go along with managing those bloody rules. It can quickly turn into a massive headache.
Therefore when a colleague of mine passed on this joke, it had me in tears (of laughter luckily) because it’s just so damn close to home.
TO: ALL PERSONNEL
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail
Hmmmm… so how many of those would you have to use then? hehe. Thanks Van Zyl! Absolutely loved this